Welcome To Football: A Survival Guide For Americans Attending The World Cup
The World Cup has arrived in North America.
The stadiums are ready.
The television networks are ready.
The sponsors are ready.
The fans are ready.
Unfortunately, many Americans are about to discover that football supporters speak a language entirely of their own.
Not English.
Not Spanish.
Not French.
Football.
And frankly, it makes very little sense.
As a public service to our American friends, I have prepared this survival guide before they accidentally find themselves standing next to a group of football supporters discussing false nines, nutmegs and squeaky bum time.
First Things First
A few important things to know.
Football is played with your feet.
The game lasts 90 minutes.
A score of 0-0 is perfectly acceptable.
There are no timeouts.
Except hydration breaks.
Which cynics might describe as football's version of a television timeout.
FIFA insists they are for player welfare.
The advertising breaks are simply there by accident.
And if your team finishes last, you don't receive the best young player in the country as a reward.
You get relegated.
Welcome to football.
Football Dictionary For Beginners
Mexican Wave
A Mexican Wave is not a Mexican person waving while being escorted across the border by immigration officials.
It is thousands of football supporters from different countries, cultures and backgrounds all doing exactly the same thing at exactly the same time.
Which, now that I think about it, may be one of the least American things you'll see at the World Cup.
Nutmeg
A nutmeg is not a spice.
It occurs when one player passes the ball through an opponent's legs.
The victim then spends the next several minutes pretending it didn't happen.
Recovery times vary.
Panenka
A Panenka is not a pastry.
It is named after Czech footballer Antonín Panenka, who decided the best way to take a penalty in a major international final was to gently chip it straight down the middle.
It worked.
Every footballer since has thought:
"I could do that."
Most cannot.
Worldie
A worldie is not a planet.
It is a spectacular goal.
The sort of goal that causes commentators to lose all professionalism and supporters to spill their drinks.
Top Bins
The top corner of the goal.
Why is it called a bin?
Nobody knows.
Football supporters simply accepted this one day and moved on.
Clean Sheet
A clean sheet has nothing to do with laundry.
It means your team hasn't conceded a goal.
Goalkeepers celebrate them.
Strikers ruin them.
Parents post about them on Facebook.
Tactical Terms That Sound Completely Made Up
False 9
Football's greatest practical joke.
A false nine is a striker who isn't really a striker.
Football spent more than a century assigning numbers to positions.
Then immediately started ignoring them.
Sweeper Keeper
A goalkeeper who has decided goalkeeping is beneath them and would rather play midfield.
Route One
Football's simplest tactic.
Kick the ball as far as possible.
Run after it.
See what happens.
Parking The Bus
A defensive tactic popularised by José Mourinho.
Eleven players behind the ball.
No attacking.
No fun.
No apologies.
The Channels
Every coach wants players to run into the channels.
Nobody can point to them on a map.
Football's equivalent of Atlantis.
Important Football Medical Terminology
Squeaky Bum Time
Possibly the greatest phrase ever invented in sport.
Coined by Sir Alex Ferguson.
It describes the final nervous minutes of an important match.
Symptoms include:
sweating
pacing
shouting at televisions
questioning life choices
believing referees are personally targeting your club
No known cure exists.
Animals Commonly Found In Football
Fox In The Box
A striker who somehow always appears exactly where the ball lands.
Usually standing two metres from goal.
Usually scoring.
Usually irritating everybody else.
Advanced Football Vocabulary
Bottle It
To lose your nerve under pressure.
Clanger
A bad mistake.
Howler
A truly spectacular mistake.
Football has developed a surprisingly sophisticated grading system for disasters.
Derby
A rivalry match between local clubs.
Not a horse race.
This point cannot be stressed enough.
Modern Football Vocabulary
VAR
Video Assistant Referee.
Introduced to remove controversy from football.
This has not been entirely successful.
Millions of supporters now spend several minutes staring at giant screens while somebody draws coloured lines on body parts previously unknown to science.
Football remains unconvinced.
Expected Goals (xG)
A statistical measurement designed to prove your team should have won.
Particularly useful after losing.
The Hardest Thing To Explain
Offside
Nobody fully understands it.
Players don't.
Parents don't.
Commentators don't.
Referees mostly do.
VAR definitely doesn't.
Yet somehow football has survived for more than 150 years.
Advanced Tasmanian Football Terminology
Americans should not attempt this section without adult supervision.
Pathway
A route discussed at conferences, forums and workshops.
Occasionally sighted in the wild.
Technical Director
The person responsible for explaining the pathway.
Strategic Plan
A document proving the pathway exists.
Working Group
The natural predator of immediate action.
Consultation
A process where football people explain why they disagree with the strategic plan.
Stakeholder
Anybody likely to disagree with you.
Content
A mysterious substance currently valued at approximately $130 million in Tasmania.
Football Family
People who voluntarily spend every weekend standing in the rain before claiming they had a wonderful time.
Football Translation Guide
One final lesson for our American visitors.
Football supporters rarely say exactly what they mean.
To help, here is a handy translation guide.
"We were unlucky."
Translation:
We were terrible.
"The referee had a shocker."
Translation:
We lost.
"The referee was excellent."
Translation:
We won.
"The club needs to consult."
Translation:
The decision wasn't what I wanted.
"It's about the players."
Translation:
This is definitely not about the players.
"We're rebuilding."
Translation:
This could take a while.
"It's a long-term project."
Translation:
This could take even longer.
"We're focusing on development."
Translation:
We're probably not winning anything this year.
"The process was robust."
Translation:
The decision has already been made.
"There was extensive stakeholder engagement."
Translation:
Several angry emails were received.
"The football department is aligned."
Translation:
Check back next week.
"It's not about the money."
Translation:
It's about the money.
"I'm not upset."
Translation:
Extremely upset.
"I'm not naming names."
Translation:
Names are about to be named.
"With respect..."
Translation:
Something disrespectful is coming.
Football's Most Dangerous Phrases
Football clubs have developed a language all of their own.
To the untrained observer, these statements sound reassuring.
Experienced football supporters know better.
"The coach has the full support of the board."
Translation:
Start checking the job vacancies.
Football's equivalent of receiving a text message that begins with:
"Can we have a chat?"
"There are no plans for change."
Translation:
There are plans for change.
"We won't comment on speculation."
Translation:
The speculation is probably correct.
"A decision will be made at the appropriate time."
Translation:
The decision has already been made.
"The club remains united."
Translation:
The club is currently anything but united.
"We are undertaking a review."
Translation:
Somebody is in trouble.
"We thank them for their contribution."
Translation:
They're definitely leaving.
"The transition has been mutually agreed."
Translation:
It was not mutually agreed.
"Following extensive consultation..."
Translation:
We listened carefully and then did what we were going to do anyway.
"The board is fully committed to transparency."
Translation:
Good luck obtaining any information.
Things Americans May Find Particularly Distressing
Promotion And Relegation
Let's say your team finishes last.
In American sport, you might receive the first draft pick.
In football, you get kicked out.
Your best players leave.
Your revenue disappears.
Your supporters spend six months staring sadly into the distance.
Football people call this character building.
Draws
A game can finish level.
Nobody needs to win.
Nobody receives a participation trophy.
Everybody simply accepts that neither side was better.
This can be deeply unsettling for first-time observers.
Final Advice
Before attending your first World Cup match, please remember:
A nutmeg is not a spice.
A Panenka is not a pastry.
A derby is not a horse race.
A fox in the box is not a wildlife incident.
A sweeper keeper is not a janitor.
Parking the bus is not a transport strategy.
Squeaky bum time is not a medical condition.
VAR is unlikely to improve your mood.
Nobody actually knows where the channels are.
And if a false nine nutmegs a centre back before scoring a worldie into the top bin during squeaky bum time, while the opposition park the bus to protect a clean sheet in a local derby after a controversial VAR decision...
Congratulations.
You now speak football.
And if somebody starts explaining the pathway...
Congratulations.
You've accidentally joined a football committee.